Everyone Who Ever Helped Palmer Luckey Before Oculus Kickstarter To Get Free Rift

Everyone Who Ever Helped Palmer Luckey Before Oculus Kickstarter To Get Free Rift

In a move of almost unheard of generosity in the tech industry, Palmer Luckey today announced that anyone who’s ever helped him during his life, prior to and including the Kickstarter, will receive a free Rift. The announcement came after the decision to give Kickstarter backers free Rifts. Oculus have now begun the painstaking job of tracking down all the people whose lives have intertwined with Palmers in his 23 years. It’s no small feat, and is expected to delay the launch of the Rift by at least a few months.

“The way I see it, if it wasn’t for all the people who have helped me in one way or another throughout my life, I might not have been in a position to create the Rift. So it seems only right to me, that these people get to experience something that they have contributed to, in big or small ways. I know some of our fans who pre-ordered might be a bit peeved by the delay, but hey they have waited this long, what’s another few months? The wait will be worth it”, Palmer told us in a phone interview conducted today.

One of the people confirmed to be benefiting from Palmers generosity is his old mailman. We caught up with him today to ask how he felt about it. “I remember Palmer when he was just a little kid, taking apart old cell phones and stuff and cramming em together to try and make things. Eventually he built a cute little robot Palmer to come and collect the mail from me, to save him from being distracted from whatever he was tinkering with. He was a smart kid, and I knew he’d do something great with his life.But honestly, I don’t wanna look silly wearing some fancy pants headset on my head so I’ll just sell mine. Thanks Palmer and Robo-Palmer!”

Others confirmed to be receiving a free headset include, the people who have served Palmer at Mcdonalds and other restaurants over the years, the nurse who gave him lollipops after his shots, his taxi drivers, that one guy who picked up his book when he dropped it and Palmers pet cat, Mr. Bitey.

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The Secret Behind The Voids Breathtaking VR Experience

The Secret Behind The Voids Breathtaking VR Experience

On May the 4th 2015, The Void landed in the VR scene with a stunning trailer. Before that, it was an idea with a bold vision, known only to it’s creators. As it’s progressed and people have gotten to try it, many are hailing it as the most immersive VR experience ever, with it’s clever use of redirected walking, environmental effects and props. They’ve even hired a famous illusionist by the name of Curtis Hickman to really trick their customers minds into believing they’re somewhere else.

But Virtually VR News can exclusively reveal, the REAL secret behind The Void after obtaining company e-mails that our lawyers told us to say we didn’t hack. 

The Void actually uses Alien technology to generate inter-dimensional portals. Have you experienced The Void demo where you shoot Aliens? If so, congratulations you’ve actually shot somebodies child on the planet Utahpia, hope you feel good about that. The master stroke of The Void is that customers pay them, to become soldiers in a war for metals and minerals that are used to further enhance their technology and extend their reach to even more dimensions. And the customers don’t even know it. They’re only canon fodder in an inter dimensional battle. Curtis Hickman was brought in as soon as they discovered the Inter Dimensional Portal Opener, to create the illusion that customers were actually in a VR experience. And it’s worked wonders. Nobody suspects a thing!

“It’s the most amazing VR experience I’ve ever had. When I blew that Aliens head off after he begged for his life, it actually felt like I got his green blood on me, I could even smell it! Then my demo leader asked me to take the hard hat from the alien and start mining for minerals for what felt like hours, but I was told afterwards it was actually only a couple of minutes. It wasn’t very fun but man did it feel real! I actually had incredible pain in my back from digging. It was amazing!”, read one customers testimony.

This reporter waited outside The Voids Utah headquarters to question a customer who came out. “I’m not really interested in sci-fi so I asked if I could play the fantasy, Lord Of The Rings type demo. They said we can’t play anything until we’ve mined enough Platinumonium from the Planet Utahpia. It was a really boring demo, but it felt so real! Especially when the demo leader shot the NPC who started crying and refused to dig any more until he saw his family”.

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Gabe Newell Has “Luckey” Escape At Vision Summit.

Gabe Newell Has “Luckey” Escape At Vision Summit.

When the roster of speakers were announced for the Vision Summit, taking place on the 10th of February, everyone was surprised to see Gabe Newells’ name. A man of few public appearances, many were very excited to hear a talk from the Valve Co-founder. So understandably there was huge disappointment, when in the days leading up to the Summit it was announced he would only be appearing via video link. Virtually VR News today found out why.

“In the run up to the launch of the consumer headsets, some of the trash talking between the Oculus and Vive communities has spilled over to the company execs. Palmer and Gabe have been going at it pretty hard lately, a smart ass e-mail here, a dead pet nailed to a front door there. Abrash and Faliszek have been trying to keep them calm and under control but it’s not really working. Palmer’s taken it up a notch though, he told Gabe if he saw him at Vision Summit he’d beat him up and torture him until Half-Life 3 is released. Gabe’s taken the threats seriously enough that he cancelled his trip to the Vision Summit. People have this impression of Palmer, that he’s a funny, cuddly little chipmunk. He’s more like a feral, rabid squirrel. Vicious,unpredictable and he’s got enough nuts to last a Winter.”, said our man on the inside at Valve.

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Number Of Kids Being Home Schooled Hits All Time High In What’s Being Called “The Luckey Effect”

Number Of Kids Being Home Schooled Hits All Time High In What’s Being Called “The Luckey Effect”

Figures released by the Department Of Education today, show a massive surge in the number of children currently being home schooled. Strangely, the numbers seem to triple, the very day after Oculus was bought by Facebook, before steadily rising to this day. Some experts believe that this is no coincidence.

“There is without a doubt a direct correlation, between Palmer Luckey, a guy who was home schooled as a kid, selling his company for billions of dollars and the increase in kids being home schooled directly after. Alarmingly, the vast, vast majority are being home schooled by parents who have no prior experience of teaching. I don’t know if all these parents think that if they home school their own kids, they’ll go on to become billionaires or not, but it’s a distinct possibility. People can be pretty retarded when it comes to possibly making large amounts of money”, one expert told us.

Virtually VR News decided to investigate a little further. We managed to find a child who was taken out of a local high school shortly after Oculus was sold, to be taught at home by both his parents.

“At first I thought it was pretty great not having to go to school anymore. But my parents think that if I’m home schooled like Palmer Luckey, I’ll automatically become really smart and like rich. But I bet Palmer was pretty smart to begin with, and I’m sure his mom was a great teacher. My parents are terrible teachers. All my mom does is read her trashy chick-lit books, she doesn’t even know if my homework is correct or not. My dad just wolf whistles at any female that walks past our window, and we live in a very busy neighbourhood. My homework for last night was an essay titled, “What I’m gonna do with all my moneyz when I’m rich”. That’s really how my dad wrote it on the board, I’m pretty sure he was drunk again. Anyways I got an F because I didn’t write anything about giving my parents any money”, the boy told us.

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Teen “In Big Trouble Mr” After Hacking a Mattel View Master To View Stereoscopic 3D Porn

Teen “In Big Trouble Mr” After Hacking a Mattel View Master To View Stereoscopic 3D Porn

An Oklahoma boy is today said to be”so grounded”, after his parents, who can’t be named to protect the child, discovered him using a Mattel View Master to look at 3D porn. The childrens toy is meant to provide a kid-friendly introduction to Virtual Reality (think like a Google Cardboard for kids), but that wasn’t enough for the perverted pre-pubescent, who somehow managed to bypass the child protection software and install hardcore smut.

“We couldn’t believe our eyes when we figured out what he was up to. He was just standing there with a massive grin on his face while wearing the View Master. It was a massive giveaway that something wasn’t right because the View Master, like Google Cardboard, is actually shit, and hasn’t managed to bring even a smile out of anybody else who tried it. So I took it off him and went to the bathroom to gather my thoughts and verify just how bad the situation was, while my wife doled out the punishment”, the childs father told us.

After spending 30 to 40 minutesstudying what his son had been observing. He came to a conclusion. “Yup it was porn alright. No doubt about it. I even watched it again to make sure. Pretty hot shit too. It was revolting and pretty immersive actually. What is wrong with the youth of today? I blame those Kardashians for a start. Didn’t one of them make a porno? I wonder if he’s got that on the….” This reporter then interrupted, to warn him to be vigilant, that there were much more immersive headsets available and even better ones launching soon. The father was shocked.

“Are you kidding me. My god that’s horrible. So my son is going to be able to walk into a shop and buy a headset that lets him experience porn that’s incredibly immersive and makes him feel like he’s there? Just dreadful. Would you mind telling me the names of these stores….just so I know to avoid them.”

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“The Oculus Rift cost me $55000 Dollars”, Man Gets Illegal Black Market Eye Transplant For Optimum VR Experience

“The Oculus Rift cost me $55000 Dollars”, Man Gets Illegal Black Market Eye Transplant For Optimum VR Experience

A New Mexico Man today explained to Virtually VR News, how a desire to get the best possible VR experience, cost him a staggering $55000 dollars! Paul Williams, a VR enthusiast from the Land Of Enchantment, grew tired of trying to get a comfortable fit wearing glasses with Head Mounted Displays like the Oculus Rift.

“It felt like my skull was getting crushed when I wore glasses using the Rift Dk2, and I could barely make out the nipples when I watched VR porn. I have heard many times how the Rift CV1 is much more comfortable for glasses wearers and would allow for much clearer nipples, but I just didn’t want to risk it. Imagine the disappointment of opening it up the day it arrives, putting it on still being really uncomfortable and trying to jack it to a blurry mess. I don’t think I could take that kind of disappointment”, he told us.

With his Rift due to ship in March, Paul decided to take a drastic step. “I’d been talking to a couple of guys online and one of them was like, yo bro why don’t you just get an eye transplant I know a guy who can hook you up. It seemed crazy at first but the more I thought about the more sense it made. I’d never need glasses again, I’d have brand new eyes. I’d always felt self conscious without my glasses because my eyes tend to cross when I’m not wearing them. Now I’d have eyes to be proud of!”

Paul organised a meeting with a shady individual in a back alley clinic and examined his credentials. “The doc showed me his diploma, he was a graduate of James Hopkins hospital in Maryland so I knew I was in good hands. He charged me $10000 for the consultation and eye drops, $40000 for the operation plus an extra 2 grand because I insisted on green eyes, which are harder to come by. Add to that the cost of the Rift and my new gaming rig, I would say it cost me in the ballpark of $55000 dollars.”

When asked why he didn’t take the much less drastic option of laser surgery, like some other VR enthusiasts, he stated, “Are you kidding me? I’m not about to let some whacko quack with a laser blind me forever. I’m not that dumb ha!”

Just before publishing time, Pauls wife contacted us. “Pauls body ejected his new eyes”, she told us. When asked if she meant rejected. “No, ejected! They just launched across the room. One of them hit our son Tobias in the ear!” Paul could be heard in the background asking Tobias to get his eyedrops out of the drawer.

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HTC Vive P.R Team Taking Bold New Step Of “Telling The Truth” From Now On

HTC Vive P.R Team Taking Bold New Step Of “Telling The Truth” From Now On

After a campaign of misinformation and advertising blunders, HTC have taken a bold new step in their advertising campaign for the Vive, telling the truth.

In a series of tweets yesterday, the company began to attempt to put right some of their blunders from the last few months. “Hey guys, we’re turning over a new leaf. From now on #nothingbutthetruth #sohelpusgaben”, they tweeted at 4.54 p.m.

“The HTC Vive will be more expensive than the Oculus Rift #DATROOMSCALEDOE”, they said in reply to @bigbootyrifter, when questioned about the rumored price-tag. “Your gonna need at least a 970 to run the Vive well, this ain’t no Gameboy Color fool #realtalk”, they replied in response to @livinglaVIVEalocas question about recommended specs. But HTC’s new found honesty hasn’t been a hit with everyone.

“WTF is going on with HTC? Much preferred when they were insinuating Half-Life 3 was going to be a launch title, based on absolutely nothing #hypetrain #choochoooo, tweeted @it’saviveAVIVE.

“Something’s not right with the HTC Vive P.R team. They just tweeted me asking me to cancel my Rift preorder because they need to feed their families and shit #toomuchinformation #sorrynotsorry”, tweeted @ palmer_violence

“I fucking hate when companies try and keep our expectations reasonable. You know who else suppressed imagination? HITLER! #justsaying”, tweeted @ariftbetweennations .

After losing hundreds of followers in minutes, the Vive twitter account tweeted “Will the consumer Vive be wireless with 4k resolution per eye? Wait and see😉 #soon”

Written by Elliohow and Massdefect1888

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Calls For Peace As Oculus And HTC Vive Supporters Clash At Pax South

Calls For Peace As Oculus And HTC Vive Supporters Clash At Pax South

Tensions ran high this last weekend during PAX South in San Antonio, Texas, as supporters of the Oculus Rift and HTC Vive clashed. As many as 7 people were treated for sick burns, as insults and jokes were hurled at their rivals expense.

“The Facebookulus Rift is gonna fucking Zuck bro ha. But I’m sure they’ll be grateful for all the advertising data they suck from your brain. Enjoy Oculus Touching yourself every night at videos of us using motion controllers, AT LAUNCH!”, shouted one enthusiastic Viver, cheerily supported by his cohorts.

“Man the HTC Vive is fucking gargantuan and ugly compared to the aesthetic perfection of the Rift. Enjoy the room scale games though, they’re gonna be sweet….for the first three months UNTIL DEVS STOP SUPPORTING IT!!! Haha, if I ever meet you in V.R I’m gonna flip you the bird and you won’t be able to do shit, because the Vive cant track gestures, bitch”, retorted an Oculus supporter, to thunderous laughter.

Just as it looked like an all out scuffle was inevitable, a calmer voice appealed for peace. “Guys calm down! Palmer and Gabe would be sickened by you all. Who cares if other people prefer other headsets? I think that both VR headsets have their place in the world, and as long as the consumer has made an informed choice based on their own preferences and budget, then we should fully support their decision, whatever it may be.” A calm quickly spread among the 2 groups.

“We can all get along guys, competition breeds innovation. I personally can’t wait to get my hands on a PSVR then we….” It was too late for the young man. One utterance of a console and he was ripped, literally, limb from limb by what have now called themselves “The PC VR Master Race ” Could this be everlasting peace between Oculus and Vive supporters?

Written by Elliohow and Massdefect1888

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Samsung Launch “Don’t Hate Your Date” Campaign For Gear VR

Samsung Launch “Don’t Hate Your Date” Campaign For Gear VR

At a Samsung press conference yesterday, held at their Seoul headquarters, the tech giant launched a brand new advertising campaign for the Gear VR called “Don’t Hate Your Date”. The gathered press looked extremely confused by the slogan emblazoned across the enormous screens, as they waited for Gregory Lee, Samsung President in North America to take the stage. As the lights dimmed,the announcer introduced him to mild applause.

“Wow what a reception! Hello everyone it’s so great to be here today, to share with you what we’ve been cooking up for quite a while. What you’re about to see, is the very reason for the Samsung Gear VRs existance and is something that is without exaggeration, going to change lives for the better. I’m extremely proud to announce “Don’t Hate Your Date”!, Lee said as a pretty, smiling woman walked onto the stage holding a Gear VR.

“Don’t Hate Your Date is an app built from the ground up for mixed reality dating!” The crowd grew even more confused. “Now, we’ve all been on our fair share of bad dates, am I right bro?”, Lee said as he missed a fist-bump with an audience member who was obviously placed for just that moment. “Well I’m here to show you bad dates, are now a thing of the past!”

A curtain went up, behind it were two people, sitting at a table who looked like they were on a date. The woman was discussing her career as a teacher to the clearly uninterested gentleman who was yawning and nodding his head in agreement. He then took out his Gear VR, put it on his head and looked to undergo a complete transformation. He was now smiling, laughing and looking like he was enjoying the date.

“When Scott put on the Gear VR, it detected he was on a date and automatically launched “Don’t Hate Your Date”. Now Scott is no longer on a date with Stephanie, the boring Schoolteacher, but with Rihanna, Lady Gaga or other much less boring, more attractive women. Stephanie has now become overlayed by a date of his choosing, from a list of pre-purchased celebrities and models. But it’s not just your dates appearance that changes! While Stephanie discusses grading homework, Rihanna could be throwing shit at other diners and calling them losers, while downing shots! You’ll never have to suffer through a boring date again with “Don’t Hate Your Date” from Samsung”, the crowd sat motionless in silence and shock.

“When Samsung envisioned their plan for Virtual Reality, this was their end goal and I’m so happy to announce that “Don’t Hate Your Date” will be rescuing you all from your shitty dates starting Valentines Day! Thank you!” Gregory Lee walked off the stage and into a waiting limo. Stephanie ran off the stage in tears, while Scott was singing “Poker Face” and dancing on the table.

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V.R News Sites Wait Until Very Last Sentence To Tell You Awesome Sounding New Demo Is For Cardboard Only

V.R News Sites Wait Until Very Last Sentence To Tell You Awesome Sounding New Demo Is For Cardboard Only

V.R news websites have once again dashed the hopes of an unsuspecting Oculus D.K 2 owner. The sites write articles to inform V.R enthusiasts about exciting new content. One site recently posted an article detailing the upcoming release of an amazing new Star Wars VS Batman VS The Avengers app, that puts you in all 3 amazing universes.

“Oh my God! Steven run upstairs and turn on the P.C right now! Turn on the Rift too, this is gonna be fucking amazing”, Greg Connolly shouted to his brother upon reading the headline. “My god, it says Kylo Ren launches an attack on Planet Earth and only The Avengers or Batman can save us. But only if they can agree on which city to save first, Gotham or New York City. Experience in amazing Virtual Reality, the tension between these 2 unstoppable forces as they argue bitterly while other less important cities such as Paris, Melbourne and Berlin are decimated by the Sith Lords forces. Steven is the damn P.C ready yet?”

“My God, it says right here that this is free?! How can something so amazing sounding be free. I’m gonna play this until my eyes bleed! It says it’s available now on the app store! I’ve never been this excited for a V.R experience!”

After searching Oculus Share for 20 minutes with no success, Greg  reread the article again. To his complete and utter horror, underneath the included game screenshot in small writing it said, “Available only on Google Cardboard.”

“No this can’t be, surely, why would they hype it up so much on the site if it’s for Google Cardboard? I mean they could have at least said it in the first sentence or 2 but nooo they wanna get me so fucking psyched to visit Gotham City on a “V.R Headset” that’s made from the box my D.k 2 came in. That’s not V.R god damn it is it Steven.”

Steven was gone. He hadn’t even been there in the first place as he was visiting a friends house. Greg thought about turning on his D.K 2 and playing a fan made Star Wars V.R demo, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

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